This may be the hardest post, I will ever write. You see, it was two years ago today, that I lost my only sibling. My big brother, Steven. The day that I lost him, was easily the worst day of my life. I adored my big brother, my whole life. That adoration from our youth, never really went away. He was the only family I had close by for the last 15 years, and we grew close as adults, especially towards the end.
He was what is commonly referred to as a "functioning alcoholic". There is so much discussion in our country, about drug abuse and drug overdose. No one really talks about alcoholism. That's why I wanted to share his story.
My brother drank his whole adult life, but no one realized it was a problem, because he was educated, held the same job for over a decade, never had a single DUI, or even a car accident. There were never any consequences for his drinking, so maybe that is why he never once attempted to get help, or to stop.
The drinking took it's toll. He went into liver and kidney failure. I watched him slip away slowly, in denial up until the end, that he had a problem and was going to die.
July Fourth, was the last holiday I got to spend with him. He sat next to me watching the fireworks, as I sat watching him. I knew. I knew it was going to be the last holiday I would have my brother with me.
He died the following month, with my mother and I at his side. I watched the final beats of his heart, and felt mine break, all in the same moments. When there is a loss in a family, most of the time the siblings are overlooked. As if the loss is somehow a lesser loss, because it's a sibling. That simply isn't true. Losing a sibling, tears a hole through you that no one and nothing can ever fill.
He died the following month, with my mother and I at his side. I watched the final beats of his heart, and felt mine break, all in the same moments. When there is a loss in a family, most of the time the siblings are overlooked. As if the loss is somehow a lesser loss, because it's a sibling. That simply isn't true. Losing a sibling, tears a hole through you that no one and nothing can ever fill.
Grief truly is ever-changing. Some days, I am fine. Other days, I feel so overwhelmed by the pain of losing him. As if it just happened yesterday. Time is supposed to lessen the grief, but I don't believe that to be true. I believe in time, we simply learn to carry the weight of our grief.
Sometimes I am angry with myself, that I didn't try harder to save him. However, I know that nothing I could have done would have changed his outcome. I think that it's common for us to blame ourselves, when we lose a loved one to addiction.
Some people are angry with him, for doing this to himself.
I am not angry with him. I loved him too much to ever be angry.
I am too heartbroken to be angry.
I am too heartbroken to be angry.