INFERTILITY JOURNEY

This is a subject I was unsure I wanted to address. My story is a painful one to tell...like so many other wishful mama's who have dealt with, or who are currently dealing with, infertility...I really despise that word. What it really means is "you can't have the thing you desire most in this world. You can't feel that joy and love." I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The desire to be a mother, is stronger than any I have ever felt.  

Disappointment and heartache, are the two best words I can use to describe struggling with infertility. Many of us feel alone when we struggle to get pregnant. That's why I wanted to share my story. 

I had a son already, and I was so grateful for him, but I desperately wanted more. I wanted at least TWO more children. I love being a mother. I feel in my heart, that being a mother was what I was meant to be. What I was always missing, but I never knew it, until I had my first beautiful baby boy. His story was a miraculous one, which I will also share someday soon. 

My second son finally came along, but there were seven years between him and his older sibling. I did not seek medical intervention for my second child, but it took years of trying, and that was emotionally taxing to say the least. 

My husband and I knew right away, that we wanted to try for baby number three. After all, a woman is supposed to be the most fertile the first year after giving birth, so I was quite hopeful. Month after month, I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test, only to see those heartbreaking negative results.

 I finally decided to seek the help of an OB/GYN. My husband and I both had to be checked for any physical causes of infertility. There were none.  I was put on "Clomid", the drug that is supposed to force ovulation, bettering a woman's chances of getting pregnant. This involved monthly ultrasounds, and the side effects of the drug were awful. Fatigue, irritability, hot flashes, not to mention sleeplessness. After two failed rounds of Clomid, I also started "Ovidrel' injections. These injections go into the stomach, and boy do they sting (ouch!). I completed six rounds of this. Each month, wishing more than anything, that this would work for me. Still no baby.  

"Unexplained infertility" is what I was diagnosed with. Just great. Not only could I not get pregnant, the doctor could not tell me why. The question I asked, screamed, and cried every month. Why?...

Why does it seem like everyone around me is getting pregnant so easily? When will it be my turn? Why not me? 

I have spoken to several women who have also dealt with infertility, and their experience was similar. It seemed like every woman around them was getting pregnant, getting to experience that joy that they ached for. And then resentment sets in. You want to be happy for your friends or family who are pregnant, but you resent them. You are jealous. You feel a deep seeded rage that you are ashamed to admit you feel, (why them and not you?).  You stay silent, and smile and congratulate them, because you know people would judge you (unfairly), if you expressed these (totally normal) feelings. 

It isn't fair. It should be you. 
No one truly understands these thoughts and feelings, except for someone who has been through it. If you are reading this, and this was you, I want to say, you are not a bad person! You are not selfish or horrible, you are normal! 

I gave up. And then, out of nowhere, five (long) years later, I became pregnant with my third baby boy! Now there is seven years apart from my first two children, and almost six years apart between my second two. I hate that they are so far apart in age, because they cannot relate to one another, but I try to appreciate that I get to experience three stages of childhood, all at the same time! What bothers me, is that people constantly comment on their years apart, and question me. As if I had planned it, and I must be some kind of crazy person. 

My babies came to me, when they were meant to.