The miraculous story surrounding the birth of my first son, Jay, cannot be summed up in a single post, so I will be posting it in two parts. This is part two:
Jay was immediately placed on a ventilator, inside an Isolette chamber in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), where he would spend the next four months of his life.
Several hours after I had given birth, I was finally allowed to see him. I gasped when I laid eyes on him. He was SO small. He already had a head full of black hair, and long eyelashes (which the nurses just loved). He weighed only 1 lb. 3 oz. It's hard to describe what it's like to see a baby so premature. I wondered, how can he possibly survive, when he's so frail and small? I was so angry with myself. I blamed myself. After all, I had only one job...to bring him into this world safely...and I felt like I had totally failed him.
Each day, I sat staring through the glass of his Isolette, soaking up every detail of my tiny little miracle...trying to build memories, because they might be the only ones I would ever have with him. I would not even be allowed to hold him for two more months, and even then, it was only for a few minutes while they cleaned out his bedding. Each night, I drove away from the hospital feeling like it was so wrong, so unnatural, to be going home without him. My heart stopped every time the phone rang, because I was terrified it was the hospital calling to tell me he was gone. I barely made it through each day, and every night I prayed, let him him make it one more day. Just.one.more.day.
I went back to work, but my heart was always with him. I would stare at pictures of him every chance that I got. I counted the minutes until I could go back to the hospital. People kept telling me how strong I was. I didn't feel strong. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare that I could not wake from. I pushed through, because I had no other choice. Inside, I was falling apart.
At one point, he developed a serious intestinal infection, and had to be put on strong antibiotics. Then he developed something called Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP). This is caused because a baby's eyes would not normally be exposed to light yet, so the nerves behind the eyes don't form correctly, causing blindness. The hospital offered an "experimental" laser eye surgery, which would require him to be put under general anesthesia, which of course was scary, but better than the alternative. He had the surgery. After a week, his eye bandages were removed, and the surgery had been a success! The surgeon stated that he may still go blind later on, and that he would almost definitely need glasses as an infant or young child. However, he has never needed them. His vision is still great! That surgery saved his beautiful brown eyes, and I am incredibly grateful!
Four months to the day, he was allowed to come home with me. He was still less than 5 pounds! I was terrified to take him out. I think I kept him inside for the whole first year of his life (except for doctor's appointments). His kidneys were not developing correctly (they were too small), and as a result he had high blood pressure. He was placed on two blood pressure medications, and had to frequently visit a renal specialist at Children's Hospital. Eventually his kidneys caught up, and his blood pressure stabilized, but it was a scary time!
Jay is now thirteen years old, and a big, healthy, all around wonderful boy! Almost losing him, and going through everything I went through those long months in the NICU, most definitely made me a better mother. I appreciate my babies so much more, because I know what it's like to be faced with losing one. Some experiences change you forever as a person. This was one of them. I cherish every moment of motherhood, even the hard ones.