Caveat: This is a very touchy subject, and one that I have read countless articles, forums, and discussions on: "Toxic Parenting and Child Estrangement". I have researched and have considered many points of view. I realize there are exceptions, such as drug addiction, parental alienation, and/or a physically abusive child. This post does not include those types of cases, and I am not judging any parent who is estranged from their child for reasons such as those stated above.
Anyone who knows me personally, or reads my blog posts, knows how passionate I am about motherhood and parenting. There is a reason I work so hard to put my children's happiness and well-being first. There is a reason I am so passionate about not damaging my children, and making sure they know they have two parents who love and support them unconditionally. That reason is, that I have experienced first-hand what it is like to be damaged by toxic parenting, and I would never want that for my children.
I read an article recently, where the author stated she does not trust the parent's of estranged children. That these parents often sing the same song...that they did nothing wrong, that they did everything for their children, that their children are just ungrateful. These parents never take any accountability for their mistakes, and see themselves as the victims. In reality, their children are the true victims. This seems to be a common mentality amongst the parents of estranged children. Many people refer to these types of parents as narcissists. However, I don't think it's as simple as that, for every case. I do think it's often a mental health issue, but also sometimes it's just that not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
Psychologically speaking, children need, and will work tirelessly for, their parent's approval. The fastest way to alienate a child, and emotionally damage them, is to withhold it. If the relationship is estranged, it definitely says more about the failures of the parent(s) than anything else. The parent is the one who builds the foundation of the relationship, that responsibility should not be placed on the child's shoulders. Most children do not sever ties with a parent (or any family member), unless they have very good reason to. If your child was so hurt and damaged by you, that they felt better off not having you in their life, then maybe it's time for some honest self-introspection.
Being an estranged child, often comes with judgement (aka victim blaming). Some people will state that you should always try to work it out (even at your own expense), because it's "family". I strongly disagree, and consider that terrible advice. You absolutely have every right to set boundaries on how you will allow yourself to be treated, and to hold firm on those boundaries. You absolutely have every right to sever ties with anyone who compromises your happiness and well-being.
No one can damage a child, like a parent can. Being a parent, is arguably the most important role a person can play in life. As I have stated before, we parents are our children's inner voices. We need to be sure that the voice they hear is one of positivity, and that champions them forward in their life. We need to offer love and support, and be present and playing an active role in their life. We need to be there for them whenever they need us, and no matter their age. We need to help alleviate the burden's of their life, versus adding more burden.
Those of you who are estranged from one or both parents, I feel for you, and I admire you for being strong enough to walk away. You are not alone, and you are deserving of love, peace, and happiness. Do better by your own children, and break the cycle. That is all any of us can do.