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I constantly hear women defending themselves for being "working moms". It seems like a lot of working moms feel (or are made to feel) some degree of guilt for choosing to have careers versus spending their days at home caring for their children. Yet, American society as a whole, tends to look down on women who don't work. The expectation for women to stay home and raise children, has been replaced with the expectation for women to bring home a paycheck. As a result, I also constantly hear stay-at-home moms (SAHM's) defending their choice to not work, and for making motherhood their main priority. I think it's sad that we, as mothers, would try to tear down any other mother, when we all know how hard motherhood is. I mean, it's not as if being a mother is some minor, inconsequential role in life. I very much understand, and can relate to, both sides of this proverbial coin.
I have heard, more times than I can count, women say that they are a "better mother" because they have a full time job outside the home. It's not that they are better mothers, it's more so that they are happier mothers. It's that being home all day, every day, caring for children, is a lot harder to enjoy, versus having to do it only during evenings and weekends. It's that it's easier to appreciate your time with children, when you aren't around them all day, and can actually miss them, and look forward to seeing them. It's that you are not suffering the loss of identity that SAHM's do, and that feeling of being invisible to society, and downright disregarded by it, for being "just a mom".
This is probably why the majority of mothers choose to work, even when it's financially feasible for them to stay at home with their children. I was often a happier mom when I worked part time, even just a couple of days a week. It's also much harder being a full time mom, for those with no outside support whatsoever, because you never get any time away from your children. Not everyone has a "village" to help them raise their children. Being a full time mom is not for everyone, and is certainly not for the faint of heart! There are *so* many days, I wish I could just pawn off the responsibility of caring for my children onto someone else. There are days I wish I could get into my car and just keep driving! There are more hard days than easy ones, and this is by far, the hardest I have ever worked at anything in my life! I think it's important to share the bad with the good, because I see so many mommy blogs written by SAHM's, that paint this picture perfect mom life, and that probably just makes struggling SAHM's feel even worse about themselves! There are plenty of SAHM's who are totally fulfilled by it, and are quite happy, but they are not in the majority. In fact, the majority of SAHM's suffer from depression and anxiety, from the mental and emotional toll it takes.
So why do any of us do it? There are many reasons...the biggest being the lack of quality and affordable childcare in our country. My biggest reason for being a SAHM, is that my husband and I don't have any family or friends to care for our children while we both work. I know that I would worry non-stop if I left my babies with strangers, and that is just not something I am willing to do, especially when I don't have to. I also feel that since I created these children, it's my responsibility to be the one to care for them throughout the day. I feel that my children should have at least one parent raising them. I don't judge any mother who does not "think like I do". I am simply sharing what motivates me, and my parenting choices.
On the flip side, children also need happy mothers, and if working outside the home, gives them a happier mother, isn't that better than having one around full time? It takes a lot to be a non-stop caregiver to tiny humans all day. It takes an insurmountable amount of selflessness, and self-sacrifice. It's relentless and exhausting, and can be very isolating to be home all day, caring for children. Then there is the fact that most spouses of SAHM's lack any understanding of just how hard it is. Despite being overwhelmed and exhausted, we are disparaged for behaving like someone who is overwhelmed and exhausted. We, as wives and mothers, are often expected to just put on a happy front, and suffer in silence. And that's often exactly what too many of us do.
Even though it's hard, being a SAHM has it's rewards too! For a short time, you get to be the center of their world, never missing a moment or milestone. You are paid with thousands of precious smiles, warm hugs from their tiny arms, and the absolute sweetest "I love you's"! You will never look back on your life and say "I wish I had spent less time with my children".
There is no clear right or wrong, when it comes to being a working mom or a SAHM. It's a complex issue, with many shades of gray. It's more about what aligns with your personal and financial values and needs, and how you choose to meet your child's wants and needs. Most importantly, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as you're happy, and your children are happy. I have been a happy SAHM, and a miserable one. I have been a happy working mom, and a miserable one. I think it's given me a great deal of perspective and understanding, which I think we all need a bit more of, before judging one another.