In the past, I have written on the subjects of toxic parenting and child estrangement, because these are subjects that I know all too well. I wanted to share my experience with toxic parents, in greater detail. I know a lot of you out there have dealt with, or are currently dealing with, one or both parents who have failed you. Parents who have let you down. Parents who have hurt and damaged you beyond words. I have not one, but two toxic parents, who have continuously failed me throughout adulthood. They failed my older brother also. My sweet, beautiful brother, tragically ended up drinking himself to death, at the age of 44.
I say my parents failed me in adulthood, because growing up, they were reasonably decent parents. When you are little, you have a tendency to think your parents are your parents, and everything is normal. My father worked hard, and successfully provided for us financially. My mother was a stay-at-home mom for most of my childhood, and did pretty much all of the parenting. My father was in the military, and always had a cold nature but a hot temper, which made my brother and I fearful of him. However, I can't deny that when I was very young, my father was often loving towards me. My older brother definitely had it worse than I did growing up. My father continuously made my brother feel like a disappointment, and deprived him of praise and affection.
My father then did the same to me, once I became an adult. I went to the college he wanted me to. I earned the degrees he wanted me to. I graduated with a double major and honors, and then went on to earn an MBA, like he wanted me to. A desperate attempt from a daughter to earn her father's love and approval. I never got either. In fact, he went out of his way to tear down my self-esteem and to make me feel like a disappointment, every chance he got. Things got much worse when I married a "non-white" man, and had a biracial child, because he expected me to cater to his racism. He then spent the rest of my life, pretending that I don't exist. Not one phone call or text to ever check on me, to ask if I'm "doing ok". Not one phone call or text on Christmas. Not even on any of my birthdays (those stung the most). I suppose he never really wanted to be a father, and decided he no longer needed to even try to be one, once I became an adult.
Both my parents had this mentality that their jobs as parents were done, once my brother and I became adults and graduated college. They failed to realize, it's a life-long role, and that their obligations as parents don't end until the day they die. My parents made sure that they lived close enough to visit when they wanted to, but far enough away that they wouldn't have to play an active role in our lives. They willfully remained clueless that their adult children were struggling, and still needed parents who acted like actual parents. Yet, if you ask them, they will state that they were wonderful parents, and that we were just ungrateful children. That is a very typical mentality of a toxic parent. They never take any accountability or show any remorse for their failures as parents. They refuse to acknowledge that it's the parent's responsibility to not fail their children, and not the other way around.
Around my teenage years, my mother struggled with depression, and back pain, and became so over-medicated, that it actually made her even more mentally and emotionally unstable. Once I became an adult, she continued to pop painkillers and anti-depressants like candy, so she could remain totally checked out of life. She wasn't present in my life to be of any help with anything (like raising my children), and the few times I asked her for financial help (the only real help she could offer me), she acted like she didn't want to help me, and like I shouldn't even be asking. As a result, there were many times I needed help, and didn't go to her, even though she could have easily helped. Meanwhile, I watched as my parents wasted thousands of dollars on frivolous purchases every month, including purchasing a second home, which they paid cash for. They felt that helping me, wasn't as important as buying "things" for themselves. My mother once stated to me, that she never had any help (because her family lived in another country), implying that I shouldn't have any help either. Because she struggled, I should have to as well.
I was willing to accept that my mother wasn't going to help make my life easier, but she could have at least not made it harder. However, every chance she got, she created drama, conflict, stress, and grief in my already stressful life. She picked the happiest times in my life, and went out of her way to ruin them. Because she knew, that no-one can make you angry or upset, like a parent can, and so she took advantage of that. She would pick irrational fights with me, even on birthdays, and even three days after having a C-section and a newborn baby, when I was the most vulnerable I had ever been. Toxic people will deliberately create conflict, then act like you're the problem (gaslight you).
That is when I finally had enough, and severed ties with her (my father was already long gone, by his choice), and it was the best decision I ever made. To this day, neither of my parents have ever acknowledged that they did anything wrong, and in fact, see themselves as the victims. To this day, my father thinks my brother and I were lucky to have had him as a father, and that he was a wonderful parent. They are both content with pretending like they don't have a child, and have done just that. Yet, they still believe they are good parents. However, a parent doesn't get to "clock out" on parenting, and still call themselves a good parent.
The quickest way to alienate a child, and to damage them, is to be highly critical while simultaneously depriving them of your approval and love. That is what toxic parents do, they try to gaslight you, and make their failures, your fault. When my parents eventually pass away, I will grieve. Not for the loss of my relationships with them, but for the relationships I should have had with them. The relationships that they robbed me of.
I would advise any child of a toxic parent to sever ties, and protect your mental and emotional well being at all costs. It is not an easy thing to do, to sever ties with a parent, but sometimes it's the best choice we can make for ourselves. We can be the parents that we deserved, to our own children. We can break that cycle of damage and hurt.