“The loss of a parent is never an easy thing, but often the death of an estranged parent or one who has been absent from the children causes feelings that are difficult for the child to process,” an article on eCondolence, an online resource for grief and mourning, explains. “The delicate balances in a parent-child relationship, coupled with the intense emotions that accompany the grieving process can be overwhelming to handle. Though we might expect to feel relief that an estranged parent is no longer a part of our lives, it is far more common to find that the death affects us intensely on several unexpected levels.” That has been absolutely true for me. I was far more grief stricken by my father's passing, than I could have ever expected. It hurt. A lot. But it was a grief and loss that was also very complicated to process.
I mourn my father's death, because death is so finite. I mourn because our relationship can never be salvaged, but when he was still alive, I could cling to hope that it was still a possibility. Logically, I know that he was never going to change, or be the father I desperately needed and wanted, but I still clung to that hope. Death puts and end to that hope. You grieve the loss of the possibility to improve the relationship, and the loss of the actual person. Often, both layers of grief hit you at the same time. Whether it’s remembering the good times you shared with them, or grieving the parental role they weren’t able to fulfill, the loss of an estranged parent can feel devastating. It can leave you with feelings of confusion, frustration, and lack of closure. You are left grieving for the relationship you should have had. The relationship that you were robbed of.
Know that it’s okay to be feeling a lot of different things as you deal with the death of an estranged parent. Often, adult children feel like the death of an estranged parent will give them some closure and resolution. For some it may, for others it may not. It’s okay to grieve the loss, even if you haven’t had a close relationship in years. In fact, your grief may have more layers than that of a traditional child-parent relationship, since you’re also grieving the loss of what can never be repaired. It can also leave you with feeling a sense of relief, that you are no longer tethered to that person. When a parent dies, estranged or otherwise, you must allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling, and don't feel obligated to explain or justify those feelings.
Hold on to any good memories you have with the estranged parent. Forgive and let go of what led to the estrangement. Holding on to hate, for someone who has passed, will only be hurting yourself. At this point, there’s no chance of resolution or apologies, so the forgiveness is only for your own peace and healing. At his funeral, I sobbed as I kissed my father's forehead, and whispered "I forgive you", and I truly meant it.
Relationships grow apart for so many reasons. Sometimes the only option is to sever ties, and try to heal on your own. However, just because the relationship is estranged, that doesn’t always mean you grieve less when that person dies. I am mourning the relationship that never was, and will never be.