My estranged mother recently "reached out" to me via Facebook Messenger. I was hopeful, for some signs of remorse, and expressions of "motherly love", so I made the mistake of engaging with her. I should have known better, but I suppose I am eternally optimistic.
I am sharing this, because I know anyone involved with a toxic and/or estranged parent, can relate to the following classic toxic personality tactics such as: gaslighting, playing the victim, and the rewriting of history to suit their own narrative. Also, we must accept that people who have "normal" parents, will never be able to relate to us. They will judge us, and give us advice, based on their own normal/healthy parent-child relationships, and that is not only unhelpful, it's inapplicable to our situation. Also, let this be a lesson: do not attempt to engage with, reason with, or otherwise open yourself up to someone you have deemed toxic. Here is how the conversation went:
HER: "Would you allow my grandchildren to have a Thanksgiving meal with their grandma? Day and time of your choosing. As you know I am all alone. I miss them and they miss me. Please!" (SHE HASN'T BEEN AROUND IN YEARS, SHE IS A STRANGER TO THEM, AND THIS WAS AN INAPPROPRIATE WAY TO ENGAGE IN A CONVERSATION)ME: "While it's nice you finally are expressing some care for your grandchildren, expressing care for your own child, is long overdue. You are "all alone" by your own choice. Anyone who treats their own child with such little regard, isn't someone I want around my children. An apology and taking of accountability, are also long overdue, and the only way you will ever have a chance of re-entering my life (or my children's). I am done forgiving someone who isn't sorry. I just want a parent, who acts like an actual parent. Would you rather be stubborn, wrong, and alone? (SPOILER: SHE WOULD) Or do the right thing, and behave like an actual mother? So far, you have chosen the former. You have to make things right with me, before you gain access to my children. It's not up to me, but up to you, whether or not you spend the rest of your days alone." (OPENED UP THE DOOR FOR HER)
HER: "What do you want ME to be sorry for? You are the one who has actions to apologize for. I am NOT the one that posted multiple lies about my parents." (GASLIGHTING, REWRITING HISTORY)
HER:"I am NOT alone by my choice. YOU made that choice for me!!!" (GASLIGHTING, PLAYING THE VICTIM)
HER: "You have a short memory. I do not understand how a child that was adored by both parents, could be so heartless toward them!" (GASLIGHTING, REWRITING HISTORY, PLAYING THE VICTIM)
ME: "Here is how a decent, loving mother would have responded: "I'm sorry if I have hurt you, and not been there for you. I want to make your life easier, not harder. I miss you, love you, and want you in my life. I want to make amends." ---now compare that, to your response where you (yet again), tried to gaslight me. Not happening. I know my own worth, and will hold firm to my boundaries. Goodbye."
ME: "This is exactly what toxic narcissists do. They refuse to take accountability, and make their mistakes the other person's fault. A child does not sever ties with a parent without good reason. Clearly your time alone has given you no perspective. Anything I have ever written was 100% truth. Ugly truth, sure, but absolutely the truth. I had two parents who adored me?! No, I had parents who damaged me. You are the one with the short memory. Where have my parents "who adored me" been, the whole second half of my life? You don't get to clock out on parenting, and still call yourself a "good parent". I gave you chance after chance, and you made me regret it every.single. time. I have had NO parents, for so many years. And I suppose that will continue to be true, since you see yourself as the victim. Yes, you have chosen to be alone. Don't blame me, for refusing to allow myself to continue to be victimized by someone who was supposed to love and support me unconditionally, but was incapable of doing so. That is your failure. Not mine." (SPEAKING MY TRUTH)
ME: "Here is how a decent, loving mother would have responded: "I'm sorry if I have hurt you, and not been there for you. I want to make your life easier, not harder. I miss you, love you, and want you in my life. I want to make amends." ---now compare that, to your response where you (yet again), tried to gaslight me. Not happening. I know my own worth, and will hold firm to my boundaries. Goodbye."
--END OF CONVERSATION
The best part? She never bothered to even read my response, which is very consistent and typical of her. Toxic people love to have one-sided conversations, spew out their toxic garbage, then walk away so that they can maintain their false sense of "being right" and "being the victim". They re-write history in a way that no longer paints them as a villain, but rather paints the actual victim, as the villain. That way, they don't have to feel any remorse for the damage they have caused.
People who are hard wired this way are incapable of change, no matter how badly we want them to. I am mostly mad that I allowed myself to be reeled in once again, by the futile hope of reconciliation.
A parent/child bond is a strong one. It's very hard to sever ties with a parent, but sometimes, that is the best and only option. Sever ties, and try to heal on your own.