As wives and mothers, we are often "not ok", but how many of us trudge through anyway? How many of us put on a smile and pretend that we're doing fine, when in reality, we are really just "not ok"?
I am writing this, because I often feel that I can never just take time for myself to be "not ok", and I am sure many of you feel that way also. But I want to be clear, that we are allowed to be "not ok" sometimes. We are allowed to feel depressed and angry sometimes, and we are allowed take whatever time and space we need to process those feelings. I am currently "not ok", because everything that I had hoped would improve about my life in the past year, has not only not improved, but actually gotten worse. I am currently out of "steam", and I am tired of trying to "make the best of it" and "hope things will change/improve". This past year:
*I had hoped my relationship with my parents would improve. Instead, my father died, and my mother remained just as hateful, irrational, and batsh!t crazy as ever. So my hope for that improving, is gone.
*I had hoped my husband would find a job that paid as well as his previous job, while having work hours that would allow our marriage the time and space apart, that it needs to thrive, and be healthy and happy. He had always worked early hours, and spent an intolerable amount of time at home (as in ALL of his free time, with no outside hobbies/interests). Instead, he ended up in a job that puts him home even earlier than his previous job did. Knowing full well the strain it was putting on our marriage, my husband still sought out a job, that would ensure further strain in our marriage. Don't misunderstand, I truly love my husband, but I need my time away from him. Especially, as a SAHM, my whole purpose is to run my household smoothly, and it's a whole lot easier and less stressful when I can do that without another adult around! So my hope for that improving, is gone.
*I had hoped that my sacrifice, of living in a smaller, less expensive home (which has been stressful with a large family), would have resulted in us saving money (that was the whole reason I chose our current home). Instead, my husband left his higher paying job, and took on truck loan debt, and therefore all that sacrifice was totally negated! I am hoping next year that we can find a home with adequate space, and one that our family can thrive in, but I honestly don't know if we will even be able to afford to upsize. Mortgage interest rates skyrocketed simultaneously with housing prices. There is also still a housing shortage. So my hope for that improving, is dwindling.
Sometimes, we are allowed to be depressed and/or angry. Life is rarely easy, and sometimes things just go wrong all at once, or seem to pile up on us. We take on a lot as mothers and wives, and we are allowed to step back, take a breath, and allow ourselves to be "not ok". I am sure I will regain my strength, dig my heals in, and persevere (like I always have), but right now I need time to process...
and that IS "ok".