I need alone time a lot more than my husband does. My husband and I have had this same controversy for our entire 14 years together. After doing some research (and talking with other couples), it turns out this is a common problem. Everyone needs alone time, but often in a marriage, one person needs more of it than the other. This can lead to insecurity and resentment, if not communicated well.
I am an introvert and need quiet time, to become centered and balanced. This is where I get my cup filled. Some people - usually extroverted ones - need to socialize to fill their cup. I need to be alone. It was and still is, difficult for my husband to not feel like I am rejecting him, or just don't love or want to be with him. He takes my need to carve out some time for myself, as rejection, when really it is not about not loving him, but rather it's about preserving my own mental health, and preserving myself as an individual. Being married does not mean we stop being individuals. We don't stop evolving, and needing time for self-introspecting. When I get edgy or irritable, it is probably because I haven't had alone time to get centered.
However, being married and in the thick of raising children, makes having any alone time almost impossible. So I operate in survival mode most days. I'm pretty much always on edge. I'm always feeling overstimulated and annoyed. This is the bane of an introverts existence...we are constantly trying to balance our own needs, with the relentless requirements of being a parent and spouse. It's not easy to say the least!
If you need more alone time than your partner does, I would set a boundary with your partner and try to explain in a gentle (yet firm) way, that you are someone who needs alone time. That it has nothing to do with them, or your relationship, and is not a rejection. You aren't rejecting them, you are embracing yourself! If they love you, they will respect that. If they can't respect that, then they aren't respecting you. Take that time for yourself anyway. We can't pour from a cup that's empty.
Some spouses may think that having time apart creates too much distance, but in reality, taking time alone or apart from them, will actually create more feelings of positivity and love. It allows you to feel like yourself again (instead of an overly stretched rubberband), and in turn allows you to enjoy your time with them. But if they deny you the space you need to thrive and be happy, then that will only lead to resentment. Ask any of those couples who have been married 30+ years what the key to a lasting marriage is, and they will almost always say "We spent a lot of time apart". Absence really does seem to make the heart grow fonder.
Everyone talks about the importance of "self care", but often we are so busy, it's just not a viable option, no matter how hard we try. Also, we don't want to always have to leave to get our alone time. In fact, most of the time, we introverts want to be able to kick back and relax in the comfort of our own home. It's frustrating as heck, when leaving our home is the only option available to us, for carving out some personal space and quiet time. That is why introverts need a home with lots of nooks and crannies to hide in, and a room just for them. Men often call this space a "man cave"....I would love to have a "she-cave"!
What happens when introverts don't get alone time?
We shut down.
Do you know that feeling when you’re completely exhausted, so much so that you can’t even move? So much so that all you can do is stare blankly at the wall across from you?
Yeah, that’s what happens if we introverts don’t get our alone time.
Once we pass that point of no return - the point where we’ve used up all our social energy for the day - there’s no bringing us back. We’re done. At that point, the world shrinks: all that seems real is the space right in front of our eyes. And all we can think about is our bedrooms…our sweet, silent bedrooms…where we can be alone, blissfully, wonderfully alone, at least for a little while.
Past the point of no return, we introverts can barely understand human speech. All the chatting people around us just start to sound like adults in a Peanuts cartoon; just random background noise.
If you see an introvert who’s passed this point, give them their space. Let them be for a while. I am passed this point on the daily!
You need boundaries set, and your spouse needs to respect them, and be happy about respecting them, because you shouldn't feel guilty about your independence.
Can you be an introvert and still desire a family?
What a paradoxical dilemma, the desire to be in solitude, but also yearning for companionship.
I can only speak from a personal standpoint, but in my case, I feel an intense craving for solitude because it’s a period of nurturing and cultivation for my thoughts. It invigorates me to be alone left to my devices. There is a sense of freedom and peace from limitless privacy.
Sometimes, the desire to be alone is so strong that I wonder if I could survive forever alone within walls, with no human contact. Yet, I also cherish having a family of my own. While I desire the companionship of another adult, there is no adult I want to spend all day, every day with, but my children are the exception. I cherish, and want to soak up every moment of them needing me, and clinging to me. Things that would be a suffocating nightmare coming from another adult. We introverts are truly an enigma wrapped in a puzzle sometimes!
Is needing "alone time" selfish?
Is breathing air selfish? Is the fact that you need to eat and sleep and crap in order to survive, selfish?
Nope.