Sometimes a single moment, a single experience in a person's life, can be so defining, and so mind-opening, that it changes everything.
An epiphany. A realization of one's own reality, that was not there before. That "ah ha" moment. You get the idea....
For me, it was one morning, sitting at my kitchen table, with my "mother" sitting across from me. It was right after my brother had passed away, and she was telling me about the remorse my father felt, for how he had treated his son. You see, when my brother was a teenager, my father withheld his love and approval. He simultaneously was highly critical. Now that my brother was gone (he drank himself to death), my father felt guilty, for how horribly he had treated him.
So naturally, I wondered if my father had also gained such insights, regarding how he had treated me? And so I asked my "mother"... "What about me?"
After all, my father had withheld his love and approval from me, while simultaneously being highly critical of me, as well, once I became a young adult. I would argue, that he actually treated me even more cruelly, than he ever did my brother.
Her reaction, is one I will never forget....
She didn't even respond with words. Instead, she looked back at me with disgust, and indignation across her face. As if to say, "How dare you think of yourself! You don't deserve any consideration!". I also did not respond with words. But in my mind, I thought to myself , "I understand. I guess I would have to die first, before I got any consideration." In that moment, I wished that my parents would indeed, outlive me, so maybe then they would feel some remorse for how they had treated me.
It was that moment, I realized I didn't have a mother. What I had, was two people, who had created me, only to never value me. To never see me. Two people, who no matter what I accomplished, or how good of a person I tried to be, would always paint me in the worst light.
Their son had died, thrown his life away, and it had taught them nothing. And I realized in that moment, that if losing my sweet brother didn't teach them, nothing ever would. And I was right. My father passed away last year, without ever showing me an ounce of consideration, or remorse.
My father had always treated me like I was "born bad". He made me feel like there was darkness inside me, and that I would never be "good". In time, my mother clearly started to think that way about me too. Do you have any idea, the kind of damage that does to a child? That darkeness, was only his own. He was projecting the anger and hatred in his heart, onto me. He geniunely believed, that his children inherited his darkness, and he made sure we knew it.
A child should not ever have to beg a parent, for their love.
That is probably the reason I turned away from religion for so long. I was made to feel unworthy of love, and therefore I felt unworthy of God's love. Too evil and tainted, to be worthy of my parent's love, so how could God ever love me?
It took me many years, and severing ties with the people who created me, to realize that I am worthy of love. I do have a good, and even beautiful heart. It took me becoming a mother, to know my own capacity for love, and that noone who is "a bad seed", could ever love as deeply as I do (love my children).
I know now, that I am everything and more, that any normal, loving parents, would want in a daughter. I know my own worth, even if the two people that should have valued me the most, never did.
My husband and I come from similar places of hurt and neglect. That is why we are breaking that cycle, and raising our children with unconditional love, support, and stablility. Our children will never carry the weight of hurt in their hearts, that we do. Pain teaches us how to be resilient and independent. Pain can be turned into love, light, and laughter.
Do not let abuse inflicted upon you by another person, define who you are. It is not who you are. It is who they are.